The Amazing 100 OneShot Gauntlet!
by Hammsters
Summary: With this account and computer, I bring you the gauntlet of one shot awesomeness, with everything from angst to humor! Suggestions and criticism are welcome! T for language and because I'm paranoid. WARNING this does not contain slash.
1. Starved

**Hey guys! So, I really don't do a whole lot of one-shots because they're kind of out of my element, but I figure the best way to improve my writing is to just write all the time, even things that I'm not quite used to writing about. So I'm taking on a challenge I issued to myself. I'm going to try to write 100 ONE-SHOTS! That's right. Everything from angst to humor to family and everything in between. Starting with a creepy poem about Roger I wrote when I couldn't sleep. It's seriously weirding me out man.**

_Age Six_

Roger was starved,  
>starved for love<br>as he played alone each day  
>His mommy worked<br>His daddy was gone  
>And his sister,<br>his sister he hated

At school when kids all laughed and played,  
>Roger just sulked and brooded<br>Someday he thought, someday soon  
>I'll show them all someday<br>At school, sometimes they fell and cried  
>And Roger found some comfort<br>I'll give them all something to cry about  
>He thought to himself with a smile<br>Yes, I'll give them something to cry about

_Age 12_

Roger was starved,  
>starved for power,<br>and in the hunters he found it  
>Second in command<br>Closest to Jack  
>Fastest, strongest, maddest<br>Yes, Roger was starved for power,  
>and in the hunters<br>he had found it

_Age 12 1/2_

Roger was starved  
>for two things really<br>Firstly food, but mostly attention  
>As Piggy talked and talked<br>He threw some rocks  
>and laughed his cruelest laugh<br>But it wasn't what he wanted  
>Just a push, some weight on the lever<br>A tumble, a crash, and lastly  
>his cruel, cruel laugh<br>He'd wanted attention and got it  
>Boy, had he gotten it<p>

_Age 12 1/2 (several hours later)_

Roger was starved,  
>starved for blood<br>A craving he knew well  
>Deeply buried, scarcely concealed<br>but always, always there  
>The twins were finished, the boys asleep<br>But the hunger kept him up  
>A simple trip, he mused, that's all it took<br>But, oh how sick  
>and oh, how wrong<br>No one would know, how would they check?  
>He reasoned once again<p>

This time he traveled  
>Down the cliff, to the mangled remains<br>And dipped one finger into the hot red pool  
>then stuck it in his mouth<br>Copper, he thought, no, iron  
>He silently pondered the taste<br>Disgusting, he finally decided  
>But it seemed, despite the taste<br>That for once, Roger was satisfied

**Yea. Please don't send the doctors from the mental hospital after me, I promise you I'm quite sane. In my defense, that really creepy part at the end with the blood is all from a nightmare, so it's not quite as sick as it sounds. I think. Anyways, should I continue with these one-shots?**

**If I continue, the next will be humor. It's gonna be about Ralph's bachelor party and it'll be titled "In Which They All Get Drunk" You do the math. Haha, reviews are nice. If you have any suggestions for one-shots or poems to put in here, please tell me! Grazie!**


	2. In Which They All Get Drunk

**Not much to say at the beginning except thank you for the reviews and NO! I SHOULD NOT MAKE HIS SLEEPING BEAUTY MY PRIORITY! Garsh. Yes, I like that story, but it's not a project. I have this thing. I can have two projects at a time, no more than that, which are my main focus. I have side things, but only two projects at a time. I've only had four so far:  
>1. The Fate of the Boys<br>2. Finding Answers  
>3. That Was Then<br>4. TEENAGERS!  
>Teenagers is my baby. I like HSB, but I don't plan for it to be a big focus of mine. Maybe 15 chapters? yea. But Teenagers is a major project, please check it out. Sorry about that little tirade, but for some reason people seem to like my side stuff better than my projects, which is upsetting. Please check out Teenagers, I really don't think it's getting the attention it deserves. Sorry for that, I didn't mean for this note to be so long!<strong>

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Flies or the Notebook...or segways...**

Ralph heard the front door bell ring and smiled in relief. He wasn't sure if he could take another minute of 'The Notebook,' his fiancee's favorite movie. Gently lifting her head out of his lap, he stood and went to the door.

"That your friends?" She asked. He nodded. She stood and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Okay then. Want me to pause the movie so we can watch it when you get home?" He shook his head.

"No! I mean, no, that's fine. Your friends should be hear soon anyways." She smiled and kissed his cheek.

"All right. See you later I guess sweety. Have fun, but not too much," she replied, kissing his cheek again. "Wouldn't want you hungover at the ceremony." He laughed and untangled himself from her arms, kissing the top of her head.

"Fine. See you later."

"Bye." Ralph walked out the door and was immediately greeted by an already slightly tipsy Jack Merridew.

"Who's ready to party?" He yelled excitedly. The other boys, or men as they now were, whooped at the exclamation. Ralph rolled his eyes. They really hadn't changed much in the last ten years, just enough that he could sometimes enjoy their company, even Jack's and Roger's.

"Remind me again why you're my best man and I invited you people to this." Ralph said sarcastically. Jack slung his arm over his shoulder.

"Because I'm awesome, and you have no friends." Ralph punched him in the side and Jack laughed.

"Jerk," Ralph muttered. Then he looked to the friendliest of the former hunters and grinned. "Hey Maurice, do you want to be my best man?" Maurice smiled, well, smiled _more. _

"Sure!"

"Hey!" Jack cried indignantly. After a brief argument, the three of them decided that Jack would be the best man 1. because he had somehow become Ralph's best friend, 2. he already had the rings and it would kind of be a waste of time and 3. he brought segways. That's right, segways.

"Weeeeeeeeee!" Jack squealed happily. Let me remind you, he _was _slightly tipsy already.

"Hey Ralph! Why didn't you ask me to be your best man?" Roger asked. After all, he was certainly better friends with Ralph than Maurice, right? Ralph laughed uncomfortably, not really wanting to tell the guy he still scared the hell out of him. Luckily, Jack drove his segway into a tree, providing an adequate distraction from the question.

* * *

><p><em>Midnight (Two Hours Later)<em>

"Get out of here you hoodlums!" An old bar owner yelled at them, giving each drunken man in the bachelor party a good hard kick in the ass as they exited, laughing about absolutely nothing.

"Hey, hey Ralph," Jack said, barely containing a laugh.

"Yea?" Ralph responded, smiling idiotically.

"Hey, hey Ralph. Ralph. Hey. Hey, hey dude, Ralph, dude, d'you hear dat?" He asked.

"What?"

"I'm a hoodlum!" They both started laughing stupidly and all the other guys joined in, even though they'd been too busy watching Roger throw up in the gutter to know what he said. Then, as they began to stumble towards their segways, everyone collapsed at the same time, still cracking up. "Hey, hey dude, Ralph."

"Yea?"

"Hey Ralph, man, dude, Ralph, Raaaaaaaalph Ralphiiiiiiiie Ralphadoodledandee," He kept going, moving on to say Roger's name that way, and Maurice's and Bill's and Robert's and Samneric's, lastly returning to Ralph's name.

"Yeah?"

"Dude, your sister is hot!"

"Yea man, I guess."

"Like, like _smoking _hot man!"

"Hey, hey that's awesome dude!" Ralph said, laughing. "Hey, wait a minute! Wait a minute! You liiiiiiiiike her you liiiiiiiiiiiike her!" He squealed poking Jack in the side repeatedly. THey both started cracking up.

"Hey dude, is it like, like, I mean, I know it's incest if you date her, but is it incest if I date her?" Jack asked.

"Naw man!" Roger answered for Ralph.

"I don't know Jack." Ralph replied as though Roger had said absolutely nothing.

"So, so can I?"

"Aw yea! Go for it man! I gots ta warn ya though, she's like _waaaaaaaaaaaaay _out of your league!" Then they both laughed at absolutely nothing.

"Hey guys! Wanna hear a joke!" Bill shouted. Everyone whooped. "Okay, okay, so there was, um, a girl! That's it! SHe was a girl. SO, she always fell asleep during, um, during, um, religion class, so this kid that sat behind her brought a stick in from recess and poked her in the back whenever the teacher asked a question. The teacher asked "Who is our lord?" The boy poked her in the back and then she groaned, "God!" Then the teacher asked who our Savior is, the boy poked her and she groaned "Jesus!" Then the teacher asked what Eve said to Adam after they had their first baby. The boy poked the girl in the back and she yelled "If you don't stop poking me with that stick I'll snap it in half!" Then they all cracked up, even though it wasn't that funny, and commenced telling dirty jokes that may or may not have made sense.

A few minutes later, they all stood up and made their way to the segways, but Jack was kind of swinging his arms all over the place and hit some lady in the ass. It may or may not have been accidental. Probably not. Then the lady turned, screamed "PERVERT!" and peppersprayed him like there was no tomorrow. Shortly after, as Jack bumbled around blindly, he managed to knock over every single one of those segways.

* * *

><p>It made no sense. They hadn't done anything. Or at least, they didn't think they did. But look at it this way, they were drunk and Jack was still blinded by pepperspray, so their wits weren't really with them at the moment. It had seemed perfectly logical at the time that Jack would be able to ride his segway just as well blind as they could drunk. It wasn't their fault those trees and parked cars kept jumping out in front of them!<p>

"Whoa man! It's like that Aurora thingamabob!" Roger exclaimed, pointing at the flashing red and blue lights on the policemen's- get this- _segways. _Jack downed a can of beer as he continued to ride forward. Then he put it down in a conveniently located cup holder and did a 180 turn, screaming "FOR NARNIA!" He charged forward somewhat blindly at one of the policemen and crashed into his segway, laughing evilly. When the policemen's "vehicle" went down and his didn't, he spun around in circles again and again, waving like those people you always see in Hoverround commercials. "I'm spinning in circles!" He sang stupidly. "!" The other policeman turned his segway around and started towards Jack.

"Oh, you're gonna get it now punk!" Jack giggled.

"Hey Ralph! Check it out! I'm a punk now!" Ralph joined in the laughing. THen Jack noticed how close the policeman was getting. "Aw shit!" He put the segway into full speed (That's right, a full _five miles per hour!) _and started riding to catch up with his friends as the policeman chased behind. "YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME COPPAS!" He picked up his empty beer can and chucked it back at the officer's head. "Ha! Take that Mr. Fuzz!"

"You do realize I'm wearing a helmet right?" The officer called.

"Damn."

* * *

><p>The next day, as Ralph's fiancee predicted, they were all hungover for the ceremony.<p>

**Whaddaya think people? It's probably only funny to me, and maybe my friend mchammer4, but you know. Whatevs. Hope you liked. I'm probably not gonna update this very often, just whenever I get inspiration, but I've still got another chapter before you people have to worry about that. The next chapter will be on the island and titled "NOT Gay" It's about an awkward conversation between two awesome characters. And no. It's not slash. Now off with you, and review!**


	3. NOT Gay

**Hey! Sorry it's been a really long time since I updated this story, but I have a new one shot which may or may not be funny. It's certainly meant to be funny, so I hope it is, that way I won't look stupid. Enjoy :D**

Life is made up of awkward moments. A lot of them. This was one of them, as many moments when Ralph and Jack were alone often were. After all, Ralph was afraid of pissing off Jack when there weren't any other guys around because gingers have no souls, so who's to stop him if he tried to psycho kill him? And Jack wasn't quite sure how to have a casual conversation with someone he was fairly sure had a thing for dudes. So they sat awkwardly on the hill, as they often did, staring at the fire and praying that dinner would end soon and Samneric would come to end this torture. Ralph sneezed. Jack coughed. Ralph sniffled. Then silence.

"So, uh, watcha dooooooin?" Jack asked, trying to fill in the quiet. Ralph looked at him and blinked.

"I'm enjoying a nice martini inside an igloo with a polar bear, what's it look like?" Ralph eventually replied sarcastically. Jack looked away and the silence continued. Then Jack thought of a brilliant question to ask. Why hadn't he thought of it before? After all, he'd wanted to know for some time, because Jack was terribly nosy.

"So, in your gay relationship with Piggy, who's the chick?" Ralph looked up sharply.

"Exsqueeze me?"

"Who's the chick in your gay relationship with Piggy?" Jack repeated simply. Ralph's eyes widened a little more. He gulped.

"Pardon?"

"You heard me that time," Jack said.

"I was hoping I heard you wrong." Ralph replied.

"You didn't."

"Does that mean what I think it means?"

"It seems fairly self explanatory," Jack answered. Ralph shook his head, laughing uncomfortably.

"Jack, I'm not gay." Ralph told him. He laughed even more at how incredibly ridiculous the thought was. Jack laughed, but for a different reason.

"Of course you are!" He exclaimed. Ralph's laughter was cut short.

"What do you mean? I'm obviously not gay." He said in confusion.

"No, you obviously are. I mean, you spend so much time alone with Piggy, you're always worrying about him, you obviously got the hots for him." Jack explained like it was the most simple thing in the world.

"I got the hots for your mom." Ralph quipped, trying his best to cleverly change the subject.

"First of all, that's not funny. Second, stop trying to cleverly change the subject." _Damn, he's onto me! _"Yes, yes I am." _Damn, I said that out loud. _"Yes, yes you did." _Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!_

"Jack, I'm not gay with Piggy, got it?" Jack cocked his head to the side a little in confusion.

"You're not?"

"Nope.''

"Are you sure?"

"Yep.''

"Oh." Jack considered this for a moment, then came to a conclusion. "So, you're gay for Simon then?" Ralph let out an exhasperated sigh. "Who's the chick in that relationship then?" Ralph rolled his eyes.

"No one. No one is the chick."

"But who wears the pants in the relationship if there's not a guy role and a chick role?" Jack asked, truly intrigued by the workings of the nonexistent gay relationship.

"No one wears the pants and no one is the chick because I'm not in a gay relationship with Simon or with anyone!" Ralph cried out angrily.

"So you're single?" Ralph groaned frustratedly. "Great. I'll make sure to tell Robert, he's been checking you out for weeks I think. I don't know. That, or he's paying attention when you talk. But hey, worth a shot right?" Jack elbowed him lighlty, smiling encouragingly.

"Jack I"m not gay."

"Are you saying that just so I don't set you up with Robert? Cuz I swear, he's not quite as annoying and stupid as he looks. He's only half it." Ralph rolled his eyes again.

"No Jack, I'm really not gay," he assured the befuddle hunter.

"Oh." Jack said simply, thinking about this. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yes."

"Like, really sure?"

"Extremely." Jack rested his head in his hands with a thoughtful look on his pale freckled face.

"Hmmm...I see then. Things are much worse than I realized." He said, shaking his head.

"What's worse? What are you talking about?" Ralph asked, his worries arising once again.

"You're deeper in than I ever could have imagined." Jack said to himself, acting as though Ralph had said absolutely nothing.

"Jack, you're scaring me. Deeper into what?" Ralph asked again, pleading this time.

"Deeper in the closet," Jack told him, acting as if it should be obvious.

"Oh dear lord," Ralph groaned, putting his head in his hands and shaking it in disbelief. He pulled his head back up and did his best to keep his anger controlled. "Jack, I'm straight!"

"No you're not Ralph."

"Yes, I am!"

"That's the denial talking! It's okay, you don't need to pretend anymore Ralph. I know." Jack assured him.

"But I'm not-" Jack put a finger over Ralph's mouth to shush him.

"Shush. There there Ralph. It's okay." He suddenly enveloped Ralph in a bear hug. "It's okay man! I will help you! I will help you out of the closet!"

"But I'm not gay!" Ralph insisted.

"You don't need to deny it anymore! It's okay!" Ralph pushed Jack away, smiling because he knew he had proof now.

"If I'm gay, then why did I screw your sister after homecoming the month before we got landed here?" Ralph asked, smirking triumphantly. Jack's face became deadly serious and his eye twitched slightly.

"You did what?" Ralph gulped. _Oops._

**I hope that beginning didn't get you all excited for a slash fest, because then your hopes must have been horribly dashed. I guess there was probably a better way to start this, considering some of you are die hard slash fans, but I hope you guys don't mind too terribly. Did you like it? What do you think happened next? Oh, and I probably should've mentioned this, they're like sixteen or seventeen in this and they're still on the island. Anyway, hope ya liked, and please review and check out the poll on my profile! Peace!**


	4. Suns and Simons

**Okay, so this all started with the dark, shadowyness of Roger, so this is the other side of the spectrum: a poem told sort of through Simon's eyes. Hope you like it!**

The blinding sun rose each morning,  
>Bringing with it the sweat,<br>The blistering heat  
>The rays beating down on their backs<br>And the work, always so much work

With it rose the boys  
>Waking with dread and annoyance<br>That even quiet, peaceful Simon felt

And as it rose higher  
>So did the unhappiness<br>Of all but one  
>Who vanished into the cool seclusion of the trees<br>Who journeyed through the darkness  
>To that place in the jungle<br>That one place where heaven met earth  
>To form an unearthly perfection<br>Simon's meadow

It was here he waited  
>Staring through the trees at the sky<br>Waiting  
>For that one incredible moment<br>When the sky reflected the goodness of the day  
>The blue of the calm ocean,<br>The pure pink of a flower in bloom  
>Gold, shade of untouched sand, reflecting the sun's light<br>Brighter shades, purple, green, orange- his meadow  
>Then utter blackness<p>

That one moment,  
>When the greatest thing on earth was knowing,<br>Knowing that the sun would rise again tomorrow


	5. Dear Mommy

**Hey, so I woke up and had this idea. Wouldn't it be really cute if Percival wrote a letter to his mom while he was waiting to see her? I thought it'd be sweet, so I wrote it. I'm sorry I've kind of been lacking on the funny stuff, but I'll post something funny as soon as I think of it. Until then, enjoy!**

Dear Mommy,  
>I miss you a whole bunch. One of the older boys, I don't remember his name, said that I should write this letter to give to you when they find you. He's helping me spell and stuff too. I don't remember a whole lot Mommy, am I sick? The big kids told me my name is Percival Wemys Madison, and that I used to know my address and my phone number, but I guess we all forgot that. I can't remember you either Mommy. I hope that doesn't make you sad.<p>

We're on a big boat going home now. When I first got on the big boat, I thought we were being taken by pirates, but the boy with the red hair said that was stupid. The nice boat man, Captain Anderson, he told me that this is a navy boat that's gonna make sure we get back to our families all safe. I like him, he explains things really nice. The other boat people are trying to find all our families for us. The big kids are all lucky, 'cuz they know their mommy's and daddy's names and their telephone numbers, so they found their families real quick. Us littluns, that's what they call us, we don't remember that stuff. Most of them remember what their mommies and daddies were like, but not their names. How will they find them if we don't know their names? But they're lucky too Mommy, because they can remember things that I can't. Am I really, truly sick? The doctor says I'm not, but I'll only believe it if you tell me Mommy.

What are you like Mommy? What's Daddy like? Do I have brothers and sisters? Yea, I bet I do. I hope it doesn't make them sad that I can't remember. I pinky promise I don't mean to forget, it just happened. Sometimes I think I remember you Mommy, but then it goes away and I feel sad again. I try not to be, because I know you don't want me to be sad, but I can't help it. I promise I try not to be though.

I bet you're the best Mommy in the world. You must be. Actually, I know you are. I don't know what you look like, but I'm sure you're tall and pretty and that you look like me, but a girl version. I don't know how, but I know that you give the best hugs, and that you'd kiss my owwies when they hurt. You'd read me bedtime stories, and you'd be better at it than Ralph. You'd play games with me, and you wouldn't cheat like Johnny. You'd say that I'm your baby, that I'm the best little boy in the world just like the other littluns mommies say, only you'd say it even better.

The big boat men promised that they'd find you just like they found the big kids' mommies, and when they do, I'm going to hug you really super tight, and I'm going to give you this letter and you're going to read it and hug me even more. Then we'll go home, and you'll make my absolute favorite food, whatever that is, and it'll be all good again. Won't it be? I can't wait.

I think someday, when I go to sleep, I'll remember you and Daddy and our whole family, then I'll run to Captain Anderson and tell him. He'll be happy, because we're friends and friends are happy for each other when good things happen. Then they'll find you and call you, and you'll be so happy that you'll run to the dock, because you must've missed me like I've missed you. Won't that be nice Mommy? I can't wait to remember. I've been trying so very hard to remember Mommy, but the doctor says it's hard to remember sometimes. Boy, does he got that right. He thinks I must've hit my head at some point for me to forget so much, but I think he's wrong. I'm pretty sure I'd remember hitting my head. Grown ups are silly sometimes, aren't they Mommy? But you're not silly. You're perfect. I can't wait to see you and prove that you're the bestest, most perfect Mommy in the whole world. It won't be too long now I'm sure. Until then, I love you Mommy. I really really do.

Love,  
>Your Percival<p>

**Awww, that's cute! How do you think I did? I tried to make it seem like something a little kid would write, but tell me if there was anything you thought seemed out of place. And also, tell me if you agree that this was adorable, cuz it was meant to be. Just review and say whatever you want, even if that happens to be monkey butts, because reviews make me happy peeps! So yea, do that.**


	6. Roger's Discovery

**Hey! So this could quite possibly be the most random of all of these, I got the idea for it when I was half-asleep, but I was cracking up while writing it, so I hope you like it!**

Jack was awoken from a deep dark slumber and a fairly disturbing dream by a scream of complete and utter terror coming from one of his roommates' bedrooms. Jack sprung out of bed and ran to his best friend's room, the most likely source of the sound- Roger was the only one who ever woke up this early.

"Roger, what is it?" He yelled when he ran in. Roger was curled up in the corner, hugging his knees and rocking back and forth, his eyes wide with fear.

"It was..._horrible." _Was all he could manage to say.

"What? What was?" Roger raised a quaking arm to point to his laptop, which sat innocently on the floor a few feet away.

"Oh God, Roger, what happened? Did you accidentally click on cartoon porn? Did an old perv try to chat with you?" Roger shook his head. "Did Bill try to friend you on Facebook again?" Roger just shook his head again. "Oh my fucking God, you Google searched Maurice didn't you? God damn it Roger, what did we tell you about that?"

"No, no, it's not that it's- hey wait a second!" He exclaimed. "What happens when you Google search Maurice?"

"Horrible things," Jack whispered, getting a sickened look on his face. He shook it off. "So, if it's not porn, it's not a perv, it's not Bill, and it's not Maurice, then what is it?" Roger gulped and paled.

"It was..._FanFiction._" Roger shuddered and returned to rocking back and forth. Jack stared at him in disbelief, then began to laugh.

"_That's _what you're so freaked out about? What's a harmless little story going to do to you?" He laughed. Roger bolted up and shook Jack by the shoulders.

"You don't understand the horrible things that I've seen man! You don't know how sick and twisted these people are, and that's coming from me!" Roger looked around to make sure no invisible people were listening in on their conversation, then whispered, "The stories were about all of us." Jack's eyes widened and he fell to his knees, shaking his fists and the sky.

"Noooooooo!" He cried.

"Yeeeeees!" Roger yelled back. "Why are we talking like thiiiiiiis?" Jack shrugged.

"It's dramatic."

"Oh, okay. NOOOOOOOOOO!" Jack smiled and patted Roger on the back.

"So, where is this godforsaken story that got you so freaked out?" Roger shook his head frantically and stood in front of the laptop.

"Oh, no you don't. This isn't meant for human eyes, Jack. It's not safe for you. I'm sorry." Jack rolled his eyes.

"C'mon, what's so bad about it?" Roger took a deep, deep breath, let it out, then took another deep, deep breath, which he held for ten seconds, then told him.

"It was a slash story Jack." Jack stared at him blankly.

"What's slash?" Roger shuddered, and then, about five deep, deep breaths later, explained it to him.

"It was about you. And Ralph. Being gay. Together." Jack's eyes widened again, and he once again fell to his knees, shaking his fists at the sky.

"WHYYYYYY?" He yelled dramatically. Roger applauded. Then Robert came running into the room.

"What's all the yelling about?" He asked. Then he looked from Jack, still on his knees on the ground, to Roger, standing in front of him, and turned red. "Oh. So you guys are like that now." Jack sprung to his feet and Roger pushed him far away.

"Ew, nasty dude!" Jack yelled.

"That's just wrong, on so many levels." Roger agreed. "Mostly 'cause I'm straight, but also because I'm way out of his league."

"Hey!" Jack cried indignantly.

"All right all right, so if you're not being all homosexual together, and by extension, Maurice and I don't have to move out to avoid the awkwardness of having to hear you to being homosexual together, then what's the problem?" Robert asked. Jack and Roger looked at each other uncomfortably.

"Roger found something disturbing on the internet," Jack explained.

"Oh no, was it the picture?" Roger cocked his head to the side in innocent confusion.

"What picture?" Jack's eyes widened in alarm.

"No, Roger, no!" But he was too late. Robert whipped out a picture- seemingly out of nowhere. It showed Maurice, asleep and drunk as a skunk, sprawled on the floor with a bottle of beer in his hand and wearing nothing but a party hat- and in Roger's room no less!

"This picture!"

"Gaaaaah!" He screamed. "It's hideous!"

"Why, Roger? Why the hell would you ask that question?" Jack exclaimed, covering his eyes to sheild them from the nastiness.

"Oh god, oh god, I think I've gone blind!" Roger moaned. Robert stuffed the picture in his back pocket.

"It's gone, it's gone!"

"Why would you do that to us Robert?" Jack asked angrily.

"And more importantly, why would you carry a naked picture of Maurice around with you?" Roger added. Jack looked at both of them and nodded.

"Yea, why is that?"

"Soooo," Robert said, expertly changing the subject. "What was Roger's horrible internet discovery?"

"_FanFiction," _Roger whispered, sounding frightened.

"Did somebody say FANFICTION?" A voice cried out. Then Bill came prancing in, singing, "La dee do, la dee do!" They all looked at him in fear. "I looooove FanFiction!" He exclaimed. Their expressions stayed fearful.

"Bill," Roger said slowly. "How did you get in here?" Bill smiled and stepped closer.

"I'm always here Roger. _For you." _He said creepily. Roger backed into the corner.

"Mother of FUCK!" He exclaimed. Bill looked at him curiously, then shrugged and looked at the computer screen.

"So what FanFiction were you guys looking at?" He scrolled across the screen, then his face lit up in a big smile. "Hey! I wrote this!" Jack backed into a different corner, looking just as disturbed as Roger.

"You crazy ass motherfucker!" He exclaimed. "Why the HELL would you write that?" Bill smiled innocently.

"Because you and Ralph are meant to beeeeeee!" He cried. "See? Just look how happy you two would be together!" He then looked up some fan art and showed it to them. Robert, Roger, and Jack, all screamed bloody murder and Maurice came running in.

"What, where's the fire?" He asked in a panic. The boys all looked at him, got the image of _the picture _stuck in their heads, and shuddered. Maurice looked confused. "What?" They all just shuddered again.

**Haha, that was fun. I'm not sure why Bill was a freaky stalker, I hadn't planned for him to be one, but he is now. I hope you all liked it. I've been having trouble coming up with funny stuff recently, so it'd be really nice if you guys gave me suggestions for what you want to see in upcoming chapters in the reviews! Okay, so please review. Yup.**


	7. Jack Tells Us How It Really Happened

**Hey guys, I"m back again! Thanks for all the reviews for the last chapter, I'm glad you guys all enjoyed it. One thing though. Please don't request slash. I get that you guys all like it, but it makes me uncomfortable so please just be happy with the little bits of suggestiveness mixed in here and there. I feel bad when you ask because then I have to say no and I feel like I'm disappointing you. Sorry. But enjoy the chapter!**

Jack: Hello universe! It is I, the incredibly awesome and supermegafoxyawesomehot Jack Merridew! But of course, you knew that. *winks slyly* You may be wondering why I would choose to use my valuable time to create a video for my fans, but don't, because that's stupid. First of all, who am I to deny you all the pleasure of hearing my heavenly speaking voice? Secondly, I am confined to this horribly ugly room that I'm forced to share with *shudders* Ralph while I'm staying at his house. You see, my parents are out of town, and Ralph's my neighbor, so his family has the honor of sharing their less than lovely home with yours truly. And thirdly, I read that book- _Lord of the Flies _was it?- for school, and I noticed a great many errors made by our dear William Golding. So, I'm here to clear things up for you my lovely readers/viewers.

Still Jack: 1. It appears that he described my as "ugly without silliness." Well I never! That is a lie, an outright lie I tell you! But, I shall forgive him, for he must have only been jealous of my incredible beauty. And really, could you blame him? *flashes smile at camera* So, I've taken the time to write a better description of myself that you wise members of my audience may want to pencil into your copies of the book, just to clear away confusion:

_"And then, the speaker and strong leader of the approaching choir marched up to the airheaded blonde with an air of undeniable confidence about him. Him meaning the strong leader, not the blonde, of course. It was clear to the group as soon as his face was made visible to them that before them was the most beautiful boy that they would ever be likely to lay eyes on."_

Still Jack: There. Isn't that much more realistic?

Ralph: *from behind the door to his room* Jack! Quit talking to yourself and open this goddamn door! I need to get in there.

Jack: Not now you idiotic asshat! *whining* I'm busy!

Ralph: I've got a date in ten minutes, I have to change!

Jack: Just wear what you have on! You don't have a chance with her anyway!

Ralph: But Jack-

Jack: I said shush! Do you want me to call Roger?

Ralph: *is silent*

Jack: Thank you. Now as I was saying. There's another apparent mistake in the writing of this novel-

Ralph: Oh God, you're not ranting about _Lord of the Flies _again are you?

Jack: Roger.

Ralph: I'll be shutting up now.

Jack: I'd like to apologize. Ralph's tense because he needs desperately to use this girl as a cover. He's having some issues getting out of the closet you see.

Ralph: Hey!

Jack: _Anyway, _the next is a problem with my hair. I'm sorry Will, but you seemed to have forgotten that due to my lack of a soul and my possession of a brain, I can't be a blonde. As you can quite clearly see, I am a ginger.

Ralph: Heheh...heheh...gingers.

Jack: SHUT UP!

Ralph: Oh, go fuck Roger

Jack: Already did.

Ralph: WHAT? IN MY ROOM?

Jack: It was sarcasm idiot. I'm not gay- like you.

Ralph: Oh for Christ's sake, I'm not gay!

Jack: Don't bring Simon into this.

Ralph: You can't see, but I'm rolling my eyes.

Jack: Well that's not okay. Whatever, ignore him everybody. Next up is the part where Roger is throwing rocks at the little kids. Well, I'm going to start by saying Roger has _way _better aim than that. I assure you, there was blood. But Will made it seem like no one knew he was doing that. EVERYONE knew he was doing that. Roger's sneaky, but come on. It's an island full of homosexuals, and then like five straight guys. If one person knows, _everybody _knows. In this case, it was the king of the gays who saw.

_*~*~*FlAsHbAcK*~*~*_

_Gay King Ralph: *in an extremely feminine voice* Um, Jack, I know you're like, hunting, and I don't want to bother you, but Roger's throwing rocks at little girls._

_Henry: I'm a boy_

_Ralph: Shush. _

_Jack: I knew that._

_Ralph: Well, shouldn't you be like, stopping him?_

_Jack: Why would I? He's practicing *forshadowing and dramatic music*_

_Ralph: I'm going to act like there's nothing out of the ordinary about that sentence._

_Roger: *Appears out of nowhere, gives everyone a creepy look, and walks away*_

_Ralph: Well, I don't care about his practicing. But that dude's really creepy._

_Jack: *gasps* Well I never! Roger McAllistor is one of the greatest, kindest, SEXIEST boys I've ever met!_

_Roger: O_o That disturbs me_

_Ralph: But it's not a lie_

_*~*~*Flashback ends*~*~*_

Ralph: Sexiest boy you've ever met? Oh yea, and I'M the gay one.

Jack: You are. I was just quoting A Very Potter Musical.

Ralph:...

Jack: Shut up! *clearing throat* I apologize once again. Anyway, I don't have time to correct all the errors in the book in just this one video, so I'll leave off with just this one, and continue on another video. You see, the hunters and I didn't leave because of a beast or Ralph's horrible leadership. Everyone was under my command at that point anyway, Ralph's chiefness was all a farce.

Ralph: That's a lie!

Jack: SHUT UP! *continuing like absolutely nothing happened* The real reason that we left was that we all got sick of having to hear Ralph and Piggy fucking each other's brains out when they thought we were all asleep.

Ralph: THAT IS A LIE I AM STRAIGHT AND THAT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED JACK MERRIDEW!

Ralph's Mom: *from downstairs* Language Ralph!

Jack: Naughty naughty Ralph. And I'm not talking about the language, _wink wink._

Ralph: Oh for Christ's sake-

Jack: Don't bring Simon into this!

Ralph: *continuing like Jack didn't speak* i'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU JACK MERRIDEW! *bursts into the room all red in the face and angry*

Jack: *to computer* That'll be all for this- *Ralph shoves him and his body knocks the computer off the desk. Insert sounds of fighting.*

Roger: Hi.

Jack and Ralph: *pause*

Ralph: How long have you been here.

Roger: *shrugs* Whole time.

Jack and Ralph: *back out of room slowly.*

**Why is there always a stalker in these? I think I have a stalker problem... Haha. That was fun to write, but I"m going to tell you all now that those brief references are the closest thing to slash I'll ever write. Got it? Good. Hope you liked it, please review! And if there's anything you want to see in the upcoming chapters, please tell me, I'm open to suggestions!**


	8. Maurice Kills the Mood

**hey guys, I"m back! And I brought with me another supermegafoxyawesomehot chapter! I hope you all like it! The songs used in this are "Don't Trust Me" by 3Oh!3 and "The Bad Touch" by Bloodhound Gang. Enjoy!**

"Hey, hey Jack," Maurice said, poking Jack in the arm.

"No." Maurice pouted and turned to Roger.

"Hey, hey Roger."

"No," Roger repeated.

"But you guys don't even know what I'm talking about!" Maurice whined. Jack and Roger looked at each other, then looked back at Maurice.

"...No," they said in unison.

"OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTHS AND LISTEN UP BITCHES." Maurice shouted with sudden unforseen fury. Jack and Roger went wide-eyed and stayed quiet. Maurice smiled, then pointed to the TV screen, which was showing a baseball game that they were all completely absorbed by. "I bet you the White Sox win." Jack eyed him curiously.

"Ten bucks says Cubs crush them." Roger nodded.

"I'd be game for that. No way the Sox win with their season record," he agreed.

"You guys are on." Half an hour later, at the bottom of the ninth inning, Jack and Roger were screaming furious profanities at the TV while Maurice kicked back with a smug grin on his face. The Sox had it in the bag. It was the last half of the inning, the Cubs were six runs behind and they already had two outs. Anyone with half a brain could tell where things were going. The player at bat hit the ball and it went flying up over head, then began to steadily drop into right field, where a relaxed-looking Sox player was waiting with his glove out.

"No no no no!" Jack yelled, pulling at the ends of his hair and looking desperate.

"Drop it! Damn it, I command you to drop it!" Roger screamed at the screen. The right fielder seemed unable to hear him, because right after he said this, the ball landed with a satisfying _pop _in his mitt. The Cubs had officially lost. "Noooooo!" Roger cried furiously, kicking the TV in front of him hard and sending his foot crashing through it.

"My TV!" Jack yelled, pulling even harder on his hair and falling to his knees. Maurice laughed.

"Pay up boys!" Roger and Jack sighed and started digging into their pockets for their wallets.

"Well shit," Jack mumbled. "I forgot mine at home."

"And mine's empty," Roger said, holding it up for good measure.

"We'll bring you the money tomorrow," Jack said. Maurice shook his head.

"You said that last time and I've yet to see a dime of it. You do know that the two of you combined owe me a total of $150, right?" Jack's eyes nearly popped out.

"We WHAT?"

"You guys never pay me back when you lose bets or borrow money. But, on the brightside, I have a deal for you," Maurice said with a sly grin.

"Let's hear it," Roger replied.

"You guys won't owe me a dime, if-"

"Oh, I hate ifs," Roger groaned.

"-you let me come up to you guys at any point, anywhere, any time for the next month, and obnoxiously sing whatever song I want." Roger and Jack looked at each other and shared a wicked smile. They were getting off way too easy!

"Deal." They said at the same time.

"Jack?" Mrs. Merridew called, walking in the front door and slamming the door shut behind her. Jack's eyes widened.

"Shit, I'm so dead!" He whispered.

"Why?" Roger asked.

"MY TV YOU SON OF A BITCH!" He exclaimed. "You have ten seconds to run before I personally show you how to do 69 by yourself!" Roger's eyes widened and he froze like a deer in the headlights. Then he took off running out the back door, with Jack hot on his tail. "RUN BITCH RUN!"

* * *

><p><em>Day 1 of bet.<em>

Jack slicked his hair back, then approached his latest target with a wicked grin, one that no girl had ever been able to resist. _Laura Scott, prepare to be mine. _He thought, confident in his abilities to flirt her face off.

"Hey Laura," he said in a smoothy, utterly shmexy voice. She turned slightly pink and smiled.

"Hi Jack. How are you?" She asked, giggling.

"Better now that I'm talking to you." She turned even pinker. "Oh, here, let me help you out." He took some of her books and then held the door to the classroom for her. She giggled again.

"You're such a gentleman." He shrugged, trying for false modesty.

"It's my personal opinion that a girl like you deserves a gentleman." If Laura hadn't been blushing enough before, boy, was she pink now! "So Laura, I was think that-" Just before he could ask her out, he was cut off by a familiarly annoying voice.

"_He wants to touch you whoa!  
>He wants to fuck you, whoa!<br>He'll never leave you, whoa, whoa oh oh!  
>Don't trust the hoe,<br>Never trust the hoe,  
>Won't trust the hoe,<br>Won't trust you!" _Jack froze as Maurice sang, knowing for the first time the full extent of what he'd agreed to. Laura's blush had vanished, and she looked mildly disturbed.

"Um, I think I'd better go now. Bye Maurice!" With that, she ran off to escape the awkwardness. Jack turned to Maurice.

"You know I'm going to have to kill you now right?" Maurice shrugged.

"Sure, if you want to pay me $150 and pay for my funeral." Jack opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, then mumbled, "fuck," and stormed off. Maurice grinned. _Maurice: 1, Jack: 0._

* * *

><p><em>Day 2 of bet<em>

Roger, having heard all about Jack's misfortune during lunch that day, was much more careful with whose company he kept at school. Outside of school, however, was an entirely different matter. That night, his parents had gone to a dinner party and he had the house to himself until 8. So what better thing to do than have his girlfriend over to engage in a highly intense make out session? Nothing better to do, that's what.

He and his girlfriend, Anna, were on the couch with her practically laying on him as they swapped spit. Absolutely perfect, if you asked him. After all, Anna was the very definition of smoking hot. A bit of a prude, but he was working on it.

"Hey Roger?" She said in between kisses.

"Yea babe?" He murmured against her lips. She pulled away.

"I just had the greatest idea! Okay, so you know how it's my sister's birthday tomorrow? Well, I was just thinking that maybe we could make-" In a fashion similar to Jack's previous experience, Anna was cut off.

"_Love,"_ Maurice sang, parading into the room,_ "the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket  
>Like the lost catacombs of Egypt only God knows where we stuck it," <em>Anna gasped in disgust, but Maurice continued.  
><em>"Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific, I wanna be down in your South Seas<br>But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means "Small Craft Advisory"  
>So if I capsize on your thighs high tide, B-5 you sunk my battleship<br>Please turn me on I'm Mister Coffee with an automatic drip  
>So show me yours I'll show you mine "Tool Time" you'll Lovett just like Lyle<br>And then we'll do it doggy style so we can both watch X-Files." _Anna bolted off the couch and slapped them both.

"Creeps!" She cried indignantly, grabbing her coat and storming out of Roger's house.

"Anna wait!" Roger called after her. She didn't. He turned and looked at his friend in confusion. "How the hell did you even get in my house?" Maurice laughed.

"You gave me a key dude." Roger sighed, closed his eyes and rubbed his temples.

"Get out."

"You don't need to tell me twice. You're one helluva creepy pervert." Roger looked up and glared. "All right, all right, I'm going. But remember Roger, _I'll be back." _Maurice then left and Roger groaned.

"I was afraid you'd say that."

_To be continued... maybe._

**So what'd you all think! Was it up to your normal standards of comedy? I sure hope so, because if you liked it I plan to do more of this particular idea, just divided into parts and spread throughout the collection and blah blah blah. So did you like it? Please review and tell me what you thought. I also suggest that you check out both these songs because they're really good and "The Bad Touch" is hilarious. Ciao!**


	9. LOTF Wars 1: The Slash Fans Strike Back

**Prepare yourselves my friends, for the weirdest crack fic you will ever read. I promise you, I'm not on drugs. This is just how my strange imagination naturally operates. Enjoy!**

A strange, faceless being who shall from here on out be known as The Author scrolled over pages and pages of reviews, and was pleased until she read one short sentence. It was a request for slash, something that was already far too common on what shall from here on out be called The Website. She gasped and through an ink smudged hand over her heart.

"I had hoped it wouldn't come to this," she said sadly, using the other hand to press a large, inconspicious red button on her desk. A hole opened up in the floor, and opening to a totally wicked slide, and her chair leaned back and dumped her in it. After about a minute of awesome twists and turns, she got dumped out the end of the slide onto the concrete floor of The Secret Bunker of Doom. The Author cursed violently and crawled over to her other desk, where there was a very important microphone, into which she said, "All biguns, all biguns, to The Secret Bunker now. We have a code 9." The speaker next to the microphone buzzed with static as a response came.

"Oooh, I love that show!" one boy exclaimed.

"Shut up Maurice," another boy, Jack, muttered.

"Okay!" Maurice replied cheerfully. The Author rolled her eyes and waited a few seconds. Then, several large holes opened in the ceiling and biguns fell from each one. "Hello Author!" Maurice said cheerfully, scrambling to his feet and waving excitedly.

"Shut UP Maurice," Jack repeated, sounding aggravated.

"Why don't you shut up Jack?" Ralph said, glaring in the ginger's direction. He couldn't be sure he was glaring directly at Jack, or that anyone could tell he was glaring, because The Author didn't like him and kept him blindfolded whenever he was there. The blindfold was pink and had unicorns on it. Maurice picked it out.

"Why don't you?" Jack retorted stupidly, snickering as he looked over and caught sight of the blindfold. Roger stood next to him awkwardly managing to be completely unawkward and being creepily silent. The Author felt the urge to hug him, but didn't, because as Roger reminded everyone with his ringtone, You Can't Touch This.

"Quiet, all of you!" The Author yelled irritatedly over the argument. Both boys shut up, because they didn't want colorful duct tape added to their situations. Unicorns and duct tape would be horrible, red hair and duct tape would be catastrophic. The colors would clash terrible, it just couldn't be done. "Like I said in the call, we have a code 9 over here at Control." The boys all gasped dramatically.

"You don't-"

"-mean-" Samneric began. The Author nodded solemnly.

"You are once again being accused of being gay."

"But I AM ga-" Maurice began. The Author cut him off by holding a finger to his lips.

"Shhh." The boys were silent, until one piped up the question that was on all their minds.

"What do we do Author?" Simon asked. The Author smiled wickedly.

"We write them... _a trailer_." The boys gasped once again and Maurice began to fan himself worriedly in a very gay manner. Except he wasn't gay. The Author said so. Jack fell to his knees like a dramatic superhero.

"Not a trailer!" he exclaimed, clutching his heart.

"Yes. A trailer," The Author said, nodding with an expression of the utmost seriousness. The boys were all affected by the sight of this seriousness and took in the full gravity of the situation. Except Ralph. He was blindfolded, and therefore, did not see the utmost seriousness. And then, Piggy was just too innocent to plot the way The Author did.

"You can't be serious, can you? Why write a trailer when you could write a one-shot, or an author's note or something?" The Author put facepalmed and Roger threw a rock at Piggy. Piggy fell on Ralph. There was much rejoicing.

"Now, if you two are done being butt-trumpets, we've got a trailer to write." The boys all gathered around The Author's desk to watch her type.

_In a world where naughty little gay boys from England were sent to an island to die alone, thirty of these such boys are forced to fend for themselves._

"OOOH!" Maurice exclaimed. "I like that! Can I be in it!"

"Shut UP Maurice!" Jack and The Author both yelled.

_But what the English didn't count on, was that this island was and island of luuurv._

Ralph, who has secretly removed his blindfold to read with the rest of the boys, snickered. The Author smacks him upside the head and continued.

_It's an island, where a stereotypically stupid blonde boy and a fat kid with glasses will skinny dip together, but don't worry, because the slash fans tell me that isn't gay at all._

Jack and Roger laughed and Ralph and Piggy both turned as red as Jack's hair.

_It's an island, where Ralph's only move is to count shoulders._

_"Hey Jack! Let's count shoulders!"_

_"Hey Ralph! Let's not!"_

"BOOM! Rejected! You just got rejected!" Jack sang, laughing.

"Roger, smack him for me," The Author said. Roger did so happily and Jack pouted.

_An island, where the original plan was to kill Ralph, but you know what? He's hot so let's not do that. An island where this change of plans makes Roger very sad._

_Roger: :'-C_

"Why do I have to be the cry baby?!" Roger cried indignantly. Jack smacked him. "Author, Jack smacked me!"

"Jack, no smacking without the permission of the all-powerful Author," The Author scolded.

"Okay. Permission to smack Roger?" Jack asked. The Author considered it for a moment.

"Granted." Jack happily smacked Roger a second time. Roger pouted.

_An island, where two boys will realize that they're not actually gay, and things will get _very _awkward._

"Who is it, who is it?!" Maurice cried excitedly. The Author shrugged.

"I don't know. We'll figure it out at some point." The boys nodded and The Author continued.

_From The Author that brought you NOT Gay and Maurice Kills the Mood comes a new unromantic comedy, "In the Land of Flaming Homosexuals." Do not read if you can't handle a little good-natured teasing. Warning: this story is bad for your health._

The boys read the trailer over a second time and then applauded The Author's masterpiece. She stood and bowed, then sat back down again, saying, "It's perfect. Now all we need to do is add a summary and all that jazz and we should be set." The boys nodded; that made about as much sense to them as anything involving FanFiction ever had.

However, not all was well, because somewhere in the magical rainbow galaxy, in a space ship that looked strangely similar to a unicorn, Commander Slap H. Appy of the Slash Fan Strike Force felt a disturbance in the universe. This disturbance could only mean one thing; his rival, an anonymous figure known only as The Author, was at work again. He swooned slightly and fell back against the wall with a dramatic hand over his forehead. Then, recovering from his shock, he spoke into his pink communicator bracelet.

"All units to your battle stations, we have a code nine," he said in the calmest voice he could manage. As he finished speaking, dozens of his stylishly clad soldiers emerged from their closets in full battle dress.

"Ooh, I love that show!" One cadet cried, jumping up and down and clapping excitedly. Commander Slap H. Appy rolled his eyes in a sassy manner.

"Me too!" Maurice exclaimed, appearing at the cadet's side. Then they both cheered and started clapping again.

"How did he get in here?!" The lieutenant asked in frustration.

"I invited him! We're gonna have a Disney Princess movie night!" The cadet replied happily. Appy rolled his eyes.

"All right then. Soldiers..." he looked at Maurice, who waved ecstatically, "...and Maurice, to the battleships!" The fashionably dressed soldiers all climbed into their hybrid spaceships and took off into space at hyperspeed.

_30 seconds later._

"Holy shit!" Jack exclaimed, pointing out the window at the hords of screaming slash fans gathered around The Author's Secret Bunker of Doom. "Slash fans everywhere, it's hideous!"

"My eyes! They burn!" Roger cried out.

"Haha! I've got a blindfold, I can't see them!" Ralph sang tauntingly. The Author rolled her eyes and ripped off Ralph's blindfold. Ralph took one look at space soldiers and screamed girlishly. "It burns!" Meanwhile, Piggy was screaming something about the beast while pointing to one particularly large soldier and Samneric were in the fetal position sucking each other's thumbs.

"The beast is only us Piggy," Simon tried to reassure him. Instead of calming down, Piggy bitch-slapped him.

"Bitch, I'm fat, but I ain't that fat!" He exclaimed angrily. The Author stared at them all in shock, then looked pointedly at Piggy.

"Maybe Maurice isn't the only gay one..." she said, sounding slightly dumbstruck. Then, as if hearing his name, Maurice got shoved forward and his face got smushed against the window. He waved.

"Hello!" he yelled through the glass. Ralph screamed louder and Roger punched him in the nose. Then Ralph went and pouted in the corner. Suddenly, Jack had an epiphany.

"Roger, the slash fans love you! You must sacrafice yourself to save us!" he cried, shaking his friend's shoulders.

"I don't want to go in the mob Jack!" Roger whimpered fearfully.

"I'm afraid we have no other choice." That was when Roger started flipping out.

"No! No! No, no, no, no, no, no! I don't want to, I don't want to, you can't make me, 'cause I don't want to!" he chanted while punching or kicking anyone coming too close.

"Roger!" Jack yelled over him. "It's that or make out with Eric to distract them!'' Both Roger and Eric froze in terror. Then Roger bowed curtly.

"If you'll excuse me, I have an angry mob to feed myself to." He started out the door, but The Author caught him by the collar and pulled him back.

"Roger, sacraficing yourself will do nothing but painfully diminish the number of hot guys in this room to one. There's only one way we can escape them. We have to make sure their mission fails." The boys all gasped.

"You don't mean-" Robert began. The Author nodded.

"We have to post the trailer," she said solemnly.

"But that could be suicide!" Jack exclaimed.

"It's the only way." The room was deathly silent as The Author turned to her computer and pressed Publish. Commander Slap H. Appy felt an even stronger disturbance than before, as did his soldiers, and they all knew they had failed.

"You monster!'' The beastly soldier cried. The Author went to the window and gave them all the finger on both hands.

"Yup, I'm a downright criminal! But the trailer's on FanFiction for the whole world to see, and if you don't like it, you can suck Ralph's dick!" She yelled through the window. The soldiers all started grumbling discontentedly as they left the windows and returned to their hybrid battleships. The Author smiled triumphantly at the boys. "We win!" The boys all cheered. Outside, Maurice knocked on the window.

"Can I come back in now?" he asked. They all ignored him.

"Hey, Author, why my dick?" Ralph asked.

"Easy, because I imagine it's small and unappealing," she said simply. The boys all laughed.

"You just got pwned!" Jack laughed. The Author raised an eyebrow and Ralph snorted.

"Pwned? Nobody says pwned anymore!" he exclaimed. Jack growled.

"I do!" Then he punched Ralph squarely in the face and he fell to the ground, writhing in pain. "PWNED!" The boys all looked at him strangely, then shrugged and went on with their business.

_30 minutes later_

There was yet another mob surrounding the bunker, and this one was ten times as terrifying as the last. They screamed and chanted with perfect grammar and pronunciation that made the boys and The Author shake from the intimidation.

"What did we do this time?!" Jack yelled in irritation.

"The third sentence in the second paragraph from the end has incorrect verb usage!" One of the mobbers screamed shrilly. The Author's eyes widened and she made the sign of the cross.

"We've brought down the wrath of the Grammar Nazis upon ourselves," she whispered. "Lord help us."

**That was probably the strangest thing I've ever written in my entire life. I hope that you either like random humor, or that it was so strange that you were either repulsed or thought it was funny and chose the second. If you don't, well then, I apologize. This was sort of a trailer of sorts for a short ficlet I might be doing called "In the Land of Flaming Homosexuals," which is pretty much and entire story devoted to making fun of slash. I hope none of you take that personally, it's just something I thought might get some laughs. Please review!**


	10. Yaks

**Hey guys, wow it's been a while hasn't it! I'm in a rush, so I'll skip the introduction. But I hope you enjoy this. **

Samneric were cool dudes.

Why do you say this? you ask. How could they possibly determine this? Simple. The pair had been invited to the infamous Bill Bishop's next party, and only really cool dudes went to Bill parties. Bill parties were a very elite affair, so awesome and infamous that people whispered the name in hushed, respectful tones. They were assumed to be thoroughly enjoyed by all. Rumor has it, though, that no one's really sure if they're all that great, seeing as the level of awesome (read: amount of "refreshments") is so great that nobody ever remembers the party the next day. Needless to say, the two sophomores were overflowing with excitement.

Sam was excited for the chicks.

Eric was excited for the hangover.

Eric was weird like that.

However, as "cool dudes" is synonymous with "epic heroes," Eric mused to himself, their heroic journey of epic proportions _must _have obstacles for them to overcome, and preferably, and awesome montage. He hoped that the obstacle had something to do with snake things or beagle-chicken hybrid monsters, and that the background music for their montage would be "White N' Nerdy" by his idol Weird Al. However, Eric decided he would settle for Sam's bad handwriting and "Barbie Girl" via Sam's iPod.

It's a good song.

Don't hate.

"Eric, can you read the directions for me?" Sam asked, turning the corner at a dangerous speed because he's badass like that. Eric nodded and unfolded the piece of notebook paper on which Sam had scribbled the directions to Bill's house of awesome.

"Sure thing," he replied. Looking at the messy scrawl of pink pen on the sheet, Eric thought two things. The first was, what the hell does this say? The second was, my brother's gay, isn't he? He strained to read and came up with his best guess. "Turn right on to Yak Street and drive 2.8 miles until Yak Street becomes North Yak Avenue." Sam screeched to a halt at a stop light, then looked at his brother with his best WTF face.

"Lemme see that." He pried the sheet from his brother's hands and looked closely. Then he slapped Eric's forehead.

"I had a V8 before we left!" Eric exclaimed indignantly. Sam rolled his eyes.

"This says _York, _dumbass, not Yak!" He shoved the directions back at his brother and began driving again.

"Oh," Eric said stupidly. Then a moment later, he pondered aloud, "What's a yak?" Sam slowed down the car, allowing every driver in a two mile radius to breathe a sigh of relief.

"I don't really know." He thought a moment. "Do you?"

"Nope."

"Oh.

"Do you want to know?"

"Yes." They were quiet for another moment. "Want me to pull over so we can look it up?"

Eric responded in the utmost seriousness, "Do it man."

The two very productively spent the next half hour performing an in-depth study of yaks. Because that's what cool dudes do.

* * *

><p>"You're late," Bill said simply when Samneric showed up on his door step.<p>

"We are now experts on yaks," Sam said.

"They're majestic creatures," Eric added. Bill nodded with fake appreciation.

"Cool story bros." He then stepped aside so they could walk in. Robert, Bill's radical best friend, then popped up behind Bill look radically wasted. He had a plate of brownies. They looked radical. He and Bill shared a look, then Robert smirked radically. Samneric looked on enviously. Cool dudes, they were. Radical dudes, they dreamed of being.

"We made brownies," Robert said. "They're rad. You should have some."

Samneric shared a cool look (secretly wishing it was a radical one), then said at the same time, "Okey dokey." They each took three and chowed down.

_One hour later_

"I'm-" Sam began.

"-hungry." Eric finished. Then they grinned at each other.

"Me too!" they exclaimed in unison.

"Hey, hey Bill," Sam whispered loudly across the room at the older boy stifling a laugh at the two baked sophomores. "Hook me up with some more brownies man."

"Comin' right up little man." He went to the kitchen to grab them more brownies to fuel his entertainment, handing his camera to Robert and then making it that much more radical. However, when he reached for them, the plate was snatched away.

"They're done," Ralph said disapprovingly, even though he was laughing just as hard at their antics as everyone else. Bill raised his hands in surrender.

"Whatever you say Chief." Ralph scowled and the two returned to watching. In their absence, Eric had had a stroke of genius.

"Sam, dude, dude, dude. Sam!" he said lazily.

"Yeah man?" Sam replied with a dazed smile on his face. Eric grabbed his shoulders and looked him dead on in the drooping eyes.

"Dude. We're gonna become multimillionaires," he said seriously.

"Yeah man!" Sam said, laughing slowly. "Wait, but how?"

"That's the best part dude!" Eric exclaims. He looked to his left, to his right, and then at the ceiling, before whispering loudly, "We're gonna start a lucrative yak farm." Sam sat up straight and clapped like a little kid.

"Genius man!" He pulled out his phone. "Dude, I'll order our first one now." The twins then high fived.

"Ralph! Ralph dude, we gotta talk to you!" Eric yelled across the room when he saw the senior out of the corner of his eye. Ralph laughed and walked over.

"What is it buddy?" he asked.

"Wanna get a piece of our lucrative yak farming action? It's gonna be-" he made an exploding sound, then finished, "huge."

Ralph chuckled and reluctantly turned down the generous offer.

"Best party yet," Robert whispered radically to Bill. The latter grinned.

"And we've got it on tape this time."

* * *

><p>A month later, the tape had been shown to every person in the school and their old uncle Sal. Needless to say, Bill was thrilled.<p>

Samneric, not so much.

They were teased relentlessly for their odd obsession with yaks, Robert's radical levels increased by eleven (the radical number), and Bill's parties gained even more infamy. So, Bill was happy.

However, Bill did not count on Eric's infinite imagination coming into play.

He really should have.

Maybe if he had thought of Eric's infinite imagination, things would've gone different than they were now. Maybe if he had considered it, he wouldn't have fed their fascination with yaks. Maybe if he had just put more thought into this little plan of his, he wouldn't have opened his door to a yak deliveryman.

"What the hell is this?!" he yelled as one of the deliverymen led a leashed yak out of the back of their truck towards his house.

"We were also asked to give you this," the first deliveryman said, handing him a note. Bill hastily unfolded it and began reading quickly.

_Dearest Billiam,_

_We are forever grateful to you, not only for inviting us to your party, but especially for sharing your delicious brownies with us. Really, great stuff. And so afterwards, I kept saying to Sam, we should really repay him the favor. Isn't that right Sam? Yeah! You did say that Eric! Damn right I said it! And so we did what we thought would be best. Here's a yak, the bill should be mailed to your parents within the week. Enjoy the karma._

_Samneric_

"Goddamn motherfuckers," Bill muttered, then yelling dramatically at the sky, "TWINSIES I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" The deliveryman in front of him shifted uncomfortably.

"I'm, uh, just going to help them bring the yak into the back yard," he said, rushing away. Bill continued to stare at the sky as if waiting for the twins to reply. They never did.

**Yeah, not my best. But that entire first part with Yak Road actually happened to me and my sister, except we didn't pullover to research yaks on our smart phones, cuz we don't have smart phones. Also, we were going to a musical (Les Mis) instead of a cool party. Cuz unlike Samneric, we are not cool dudes, and we can only dream to be as radical as Robert. Hope you liked it, please review, and remember I'd love suggestions! Doesn't have to be funny, can be serious, whatever you'd like to read. Just no slash please! Okay, now review people!**


	11. Roger Has Something Important to Say

**I don't really have much to say right now, so enjoy!**

Not three hours after his right hand killed Piggy, Jack lay flat on his back in his cave, covering his eyes with his arms and trying to make himself fall asleep. It was almost working, too, but then he heard footsteps at the entrance of the cave and sighed. Didn't the hunters know better than to bother him while he was trying to sleep?

"Who's there?!" he called out. He heard a snort and the footsteps continued forward.

"Who do you think?" a slightly higher, younger voice replied. At the sound of this familiar voice, Jack smirked and sat up.

"Oh, hi _Rossy,_" he said, snickering at the name his friend so deeply hated. The dark haired fourteen year old, instead of growling as per usual, simply rolled the dark eyes that every boy on the island feared.

"It's Roger to you," came the reply. "Don't want the other boys to find out our little secret do we?" The redhead growled at the meer thought of it.

_Three months earlier_

As Roger strutted into the locker rooms after yet another successful game, he simply grinned at the countless congratulations that he had begun to simply expect after each game. Being the star of St. James' Military Academy lacrosse team at the age of fourteen didn't come without a rather large ego. The other boys on the team were laughing and cheering as they marched in. They recounted every play, every detail, and not a single person forgot to gush about Roger's many scores. And of course, just like always, nobody seemed to notice how the younger boy was the only one to change in the bathrooms, or that he, like always, was the last to leave.

Or so, he assumed he was.

"Hey Rog," he heard the voice of his roommate as he was just about to walk out of the locker room. "Can we talk for a second?" Roger cursed very softly and turned to face the older boy.

"What's up Jack?" he asked, forcing his voice down an octave. The redhead, who was currently leaning against the lockers, shrugged and straightened up.

"Your folks called earlier," Jack said nonchalantly, watching for even the slightest reaction from his best friend. None came. "We had a pretty interesting conversation," he continued. "You know, after I assured them they didn't have to worry about the fact that there was a boy in your room." Roger still said nothing.

"My parents are freaks," he said simply. Jack rolled his eyes.

"The game is up Roger," he said. Then he smirked. "Or should I say Roslyn?" His roommate swore, out loud this time.

"How the hell did you know?!" she asked.

"I told you, I talked to your parents. I've got to say, once I got past the initial confusion of someone calling for Roslyn McAllistor, it wasn't hard to figure out. You do have a lot of mood swings at the end of every month," Jack said jokingly. "Why didn't you tell me? Why are you even here?!"

"This is the best military boarding school in the country, I couldn't miss out on that just because I'm a girl!" she said, her voice going quiet on the last word. "So I messed with a few documents to fool my parents and the school and the next thing I knew I was here!" A worried look crossed her face. "You won't tell anyone, will you?"

"Why shouldn't I?" Jack said, beginning to circle her. "I mean, you could be some sexual predator! You've seen me change enough times!" Roslyn snorted at this.

"If I were a sexual predator, I'd pick better prey," she replied. "Not much downstairs my friend." Jack glared.

"Help!" he yelled. "Help me! I'm feeling sexually threatened!" The dark haired teen before him suddenly growled and rushed at him, pinning him against the lockers.

"Look Merridew," she hissed, her voice returning to its normal sound. "Not a soul finds out about this. I worked damn hard to keep this charade up for the past year and no nancy-boy choir kid is going to ruin it for me, got it?" Jack raised his hands innocently.

"Hey, let's not jump to conclusions here!" he exclaimed. "I never said I'd tell anyone." Roslyn's eyes widened slightly and she stepped back.

"You're not going to?" she asked. Jack shrugged.

"I've got a chick for a roommate," he said. "Do you honestly think I'm in a rush to shoo you out?" She thought about this a moment.

"Oh," Roslyn said simply. "Well, might as well then." Jack gave her a confused look.

"Might as well wha-" before he could finish, the girl formerly known as Roger grabbed his face in her hands and planted one on him. It was a very brief kiss, but according to Jack, it was three seconds of pure awesome. Roslyn may or may not say the same, because Roslyn is much more highly sophisticated than her roommate. She pulled back quickly and smirked at him.

"See you in class Merridew," she called back from the door in her boy voice before walking out.

_Present_

"No chance in hell I'm letting them in on this," Jack said, practically growling. Roslyn laughed.

"Aw, Jacky," she said, walking over and straddling his lap. "You never did like sharing your toys did you?" She grabbed the ends of his hair and tugged them back roughly so that his mouth flew open and he was looking up at him. She took her opportunity and kissed him, biting his lip as she did. Jack gasped and pushed her back slightly.

"Jeez Rossy," he practically exclaimed, wiping the blood away from his lip. "Stop using your canines if you're going to do that!" She just giggled sweetly.

"But where's the fun in that?" she asked. She wiped some of his blood away with her index finger and stuck it in her mouth. Jack shook his head at her, laughing a little in spite of himself. Then he caught sight of how thin and ragged her shirt had become and looked at her chest with pointed disapproval.

"I can see your bandages through your shirt," he said. "You need to cover up better, the boys might notice." Roslyn just shrugged and unbuttoned Jack's shirt.

"We'll switch then," she said. "Yours is still fine right?" She pulled Jack's button down off him and then pulled hers off. Jack looked away and tried not to blush as she replaced her shirt with his. She noticed this reaction and grinned. Then she grabbed his chin, her nails digging into his skin, and made him look her in the eyes again. "Better?" He smiled against the irritating pain in his jaw.

"Much," he said, swatting her hand away and kissing her. She smiled as she climbed off his lap and lay down beside him, trying not to make any biting remarks as his arm settled around her waist. "So," he said into her hair, remembering a question he'd meant to ask earlier. "Fatty got on your nerves faster than usual. Is it that time of the month again?" Roslyn snorted.

"You wish."

"Why do I wish for you to be a violent, irritable little bitch?" he asked, furrowing his eyebrows. She laughed.

"Because I'm horny as fuck during it," she replied.

"You're always horny as fuck," he reminded her. She shrugged.

"Oh so true." The two lay there silently for a while, and yet again Jack was about to fall asleep when she interrupted him with slight horror in her voice. "Jack?"

"Hm?" he murmured, being careful not to snap at her and risk her wrath.

"It was supposed to be a week ago." His eyes snapped open and all he could manage to mutter was, "Oh shit."

Well, there would be no sleeping for him _now._

**That...was odd. Not weird, odd. All my other stories are weird and spazzy and come from my general craziness. This. This just kind of happened. And now it's out here for the world to see. I'm not really sure what to think of this, but I thought it was an interesting idea so here it is. I hope you all liked it, please review and please respond to my poll!**


	12. LOTF Wars 2: Return of Slash Gay or Euro

**I don't feel like talking much, but I am going to say I'm sorry to all you fans of Teenagers/Going Under that the update is taking so long. Hope this makes up for it!**

The court room was buzzing with activity as it prepared for the beginning of the long awaited trial. Today, after six months of appealing and reappealing, missed court dates and so on, the island boys were being tried for the deaths of Daniel Golding and Simon Monroe (who were currently disguised as jurors so as to make sure that the boys didn't ACTUALLY get convicted). The Author and friends sat at the front of the courtroom. 'And friends' refers not to the boys who she was in charge of protecting from slash fans, grammar Nazis, and juvenile detentional facilities, but her actual friends, who were also amongst the court officials trying to put and end to this problem. These friends, who like The Author, were nameless and faceless, are to be referred to as The Lawyer, The Judge, The Random Witness, and The OWAN (The One Without A Nickname). The Author was currently in cognito as the Clark to her Superman, the Scabbers to her Wormtail, the Alfred F. Jones to her-

"I think that's enough," The Author said pointedly to the writer of her tale (fourth wall man. It means nothing to her).

Right, right. Anyways, The Author was disguised as her counterpart of sorts, The Court Typist.

The Court Typist/Author constantly stole glances at her boys, who all stood wringing their hands and pretty much flipping shit (mostly just because there were slash fans winking at them suggestively from the back of the court room). This, of course, was excluding Ralph, who was trying to figure out why the hell he had to wear the pink unicorn blindfold at his trial.

After a highly exhaggerated wait, The Judge took her position at the head of the room, called the court room to order, and then called her first witness: Ralph. He had to be led to the stand.

"I like your blindfold," the person who led him there whispered creepily before slithering away, never to be seen again. Ralph pretended not to hear.

The proceedings were going well, if The Court Typist/Author did say so herself. By the time The Judge called recess, The Lawyer and The Random Witness had the jury like putty in their hands, The Judge made sure that the odds were tipped in the boys' favor in the most corrupt way she could manage, and The OWAN was doing a masterful job of pointing out whether or not The Court Typist/Author was putting enough spaces after each colon.

She was not, by the way.

Anyway, The Author pretty much thought the case was a done deal, although she had to admit there was something about the lawyer for the prosecution that just put her on edge. Then, just as the twins stepped down from the witness stand and Roger stepped up, the secret was revealed. The prosecuting lawyer lifted his wrist to glance at the time- _supposedly. _However, as The Court Typist/Author had long ago mastered the art of perfect freaking timing under a wise jedi master C. Ock Block, she noticed that the watch was pink, and was not in, fact, a watch, but a communicater bracelet! 'Twas her dasterdly enemy.

"Commander Slap H. Appy," she murmured under her breath.

"What's that?" The OWAN asked.

"Rainbow ponies," The Court Typist/Author replied immediately.

"Actually, their rainbow unicorns," he replied. The Court Typist/Author glanced up at her.

"You're a recovering Grammar Nazi aren't you?" she said suspiciously. The OWAN gazed off into the distant crown molding of the court room with an unreadable expression, taking off the sunglasses The Court Typist/Author could've sworn she hadn't been wearing two seconds ago.

"I did my time in the service of the Queen's English," The OWAN said, taking on a southern accent that also had not existed two seconds before. The Court Typist/Author decided it would be a better use of her time to pay attention to the brutal interrogation- I mean questioning Roger was suffering through.

"Mr. McAllister," the disguised slash commander began. "The twins said that following the 'accident' that led to the death of Mr. Golding, the only person they saw for the rest of the night was you. Could you tell us why?" Roger gave him a cheeky grin.

"Because we're besties, obviously," he responded, his voice oozing sarcasm and the scent of the burger he had for lunch. Appy did not laugh, but instead fought the urge to roll his eyes.

"What did you do while you were with the twins?" he asked. Roger did not fight the urge to roll his eyes, or the urge to push up his hipster glasses with only his middle finger. Fangirls (and, out of fear, Simon) all across the galaxy swooned so greatly they had to be carried into the shade of convenient palm trees.

"We painted our nails and talked about boys," he let out another sarcastic reply that the jury was completely cool with because sarcastic British people are smexy. "We had gaurd duty stupid."

"_Of course _you did," he said, mimicking Roger's tone.

"Are you implying something?" The Court Typist/Author interrupted.

"Always," he deadpanned. "How would you describe your relationship with Mr. Merridew? Or the late Mr. Monroe?" Jack's and Simon's faces twisted in disgust at the thought of what Appy was suggesting.

"You're not implying-" The Lawyer began.

"You don't think-" The Judge... also began.

"Nice dialogue tag," The Court Typist/Author broke the fourth wall to say.

"I'm not gay if that's what you're saying!" Roger exclaimed indignantly, ignoring The Court Typist/Author's decision to talk crazy to herself.

"Of course you are!" A slash fan at the back of the court room yelled, holding up a sign that read "_OMGEEZ ROCK 4 LYFE." _

"**There right there!" **The prosecuting lawyer sang. The Court Typist/Author facepalmed. She hated this song.  
><strong>Look at that tan, that tinted skin.<strong>  
><strong>Look at the killer shape he's in." <strong>A few fangirls did so, and died on the spot from hawtness overload.  
><strong>Look at that slightly stubly chin." <strong>Roger rubbed curiously at his chin and was disappointed to find it utterly lacking in any form of facial hair. Not even a fucking mole.  
><strong>Oh Please he's gay, totally gay" <strong>He stopped rubbing his chin long enough to flip the bird once again before crossing his arms angrily.

**"I'm not about to celebrate.**  
><strong>Every trait could indicate the totally straight expotriate.<strong>  
><strong>This guy's not gay, I say not gay." <strong>The Court Typist/Author sang reluctantly, willing to do anything to stomp out the much hated implications against the boy which, off the record, she totally claimed as hers in chapter two. He almost smiled greatfully, but then remembered he was Roger, and chose not to.

**That is the elephant in the room.**  
><strong>Well is it relevant to assume<strong>  
><strong>that a man who wears perfume<strong>  
><strong>is automatically matically fay?" <strong>Everyone in the court room continued, much to The CT/A's dismay. She shared a look with her friends and they agreed telepathically (another skill taught to them by jedi master C. Ock Block) that they had to put an end to this quickly.

**"But look at his coiffed and crispy locks." **The first witness for the prosecution sang. The Judge discreetly repeated a favorite gesture of Roger's at the man when no one was looking.

**"Look at his silk translucent socks." **Commander Slap H. Appy continued.

"Hey!" Roger piped up defensively. "My mom made me wear these!"

**There's the eternal paradox.**  
><strong>Look what we're seeing." <strong>The CT/A began logically.

**"What are we seeing?" **Commander Appy asked sarcastically.

"**Is he gay?"**

**"Of course he's gay!"**

**"Or European?" **The CT/A deadpanned. Everyone in the court room paused to think about this for a moment.

"He is extremely European," Jack said thoughtfully.

"We all-"

"-are stupid."

"We're from freaking London," Samneric piped in.

**"ohhhhhh.**  
><strong>Gay or European?<strong>  
><strong>It's hard to guarantee<strong>  
><strong>Is he gay or European?"<strong> The alarmed and confused slash fans' eyes darted to Jack, their prime suspect for Roger's gay lover (if he's gay). He raised his hands defensively.

**"Well, hey don't look at me!"**

**"You see they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports.  
>They play peculiar sports." <strong>The OWAN offered helpfully.

**"In shiny shirts and tiny shorts!" **All those for the defense added. Each of the boys opened their mouths to defend their fellow Europeans, but realized as they did so that Maurice was wearing his school issued lacrosse uniform that they all had: a very shiny tank top and shrinky dinky tank top.

"I can't really argue with that..." Ralph said sadly.

"It's kinda true," Bill agreed.

**"Gay or foreign fella?**  
><strong>The answer could take weeks.<strong>  
><strong>They will say things <strong>  
><strong>like "ciao bella"<strong>  
><strong>while they kiss you on both cheeks." <strong>Roger, to back this up, did so to The CT/A's young and impressionable little sister, who simply smacked him and told him he "wasn't an Ity, poser." The CT/A wiped away a stray tear, murmuring to The Lawyer proudly, "that's my sister!"

**"Oh please" **Commander Appy said, rolling his eyes at the obviously fake display of Europeanism. Maurice tried to make it seem more real by doing the same action to Percival... but Percival's a dude... so it kinda failed.

**"Gay or European?**  
><strong>So many shades of gray."<strong>

**"Depending on the time of day  
>The French go either way," <strong>Jack whispered to The Random Witness before snickering at Ralph, who was half French. Ralph was confused who was laughing and what they were laughing at (blindfolds wonk up his brain) so he laughed too.

**"Is he gay or European?" **The Random Witness cast a glance at Roger and caught a vital white piece of evidence smeared across his face.

"Writer, get your mind out of the gutter!" The CT/A yelled at the writer, catching the way she smothered a giggle while typing the last sentence.

**"There! Right There!**  
><strong>Look at that condescending smirk." <strong>If your mind, too, was in the gutter, The CT/A wishes it to be known that the vital white piece of evidence smeared across his face was his condescending smirk.  
><strong>Seen it on every guy <strong>**at work.**  
><strong>That is a metro hetero jerk.<strong>  
><strong>That guy's not gay, I say no way."<strong>

**"That is the elephant in the room.  
>Well is it relevant to presume<br>that a  
>hottie in that costume" <strong>Everyone, defense and prosecution, sang together.

**"Is automatically radically,"** Commander Appy sang triumphantly.

**"Ironically chronically,"** The CT/A sang before realizing that she was confirming his questionable sexuality and slapping a hand over her overly large mouth.

**"Certainly pertin'ly,"** The OWAN did the same.

**"Genetically medically,"** Jack sang just because he likes to put Roger in uncomfortable positions.

**"GAY!**  
><strong>OFFICIALLY GAY!<strong>  
><strong>OFFICIALLY GAY GAY GAY GAY" <strong>The slash fans concluded. Roger looked around frantically, knowing that the sake of his love life was on the line, and grabbed the first girl he saw and proceeded to make out with her. Unfortunately, the CT/A had chosen an unfortunate time to go and tell him that she and all his friends would be more than happy to give him a helpful shove back into the closet. The prosecution did not miss the scene.  
><strong>"DAMNIT!"<strong>

As soon as they looked away and continued with their anthem, The CT/A gave him a helpful shove into a garbage can.

"**Gay or European?"**

**"So stylish and relaxed!" **Appy pointed out. The slash fans took note of his confortable position and beautifully tailored suit (*cough* THAT HE RENTED *cough*).

"**Is he gay or European?" **The defense chimed in, reminding the slash fans and the jury that it was still up for debate.

**"I think his chest is waxed!" **Appy yelled challengingly at the defense.

"He's thirteen, he just hasn't grown chest hair yet!" The CT/A pointed out.

**"But they bring their boys up different there.**  
><strong>It's culturally diverse.<strong>  
><strong>It's not a fashion curse." <strong>The Judge finally joined in.

**"If he wears a kilt or bears a purse."**

"Hey now, I've never done that!" Roger insisted.

**"Gay or just exotic?**  
><strong>I still can't crack the code." <strong>

**"His accent is hypnotic!" **The OWAN fangirled.

"**But his shoes are pointy toed," **one of Appy's disguised officers countered.

**"Huh.**  
><strong>Gay or European?<strong>  
><strong>So many shades of gray." <strong>Sam smirked suggestively and Eric elbowed him in the rib cage.

**"But if he turns out straight I'm free at eight on Saturday," **The OWAN sang, winking at him. Roger cringed, and The CT/A whispered a reminder to her friend that even though she had just shoved him in a garbage can, she'd still had dibs since like chapter two.

**"Is he gay or European?**  
><strong>gay or european?<strong>  
><strong>Gay or Euro-" <strong>

"Hold on a minute!" The Lawyer interrupted, causing all the hardcore theatre/musical fans to die on the spot. "Give me a minute to crack this guy. I have an idea I'd like to try." The CT/A looked at her friend questioningly, but he mouthed to her to trust him. "Now, Mr. McAllister, you were on the island for how long?"

"Two months," he replied, relaxing considerably now that they seemed to be back on track.

"And your first name is?"

"Roger."

"And your boyfriend's name is?" The CT/A's eyes widened with alarm, but The Lawyer communicated telepathically to her that this is the part where Roger immediately responds, 'I don't have a boyfriend.' and puts away all debate.

Oh how wrong he was.

"Samneric," Roger said without thinking. Everyone in the room gasped dramatically. "No wait! I misunderstood! You said boyfriend, I thought you said best friends. Samneric are my _best friends."_ Sam jumped out of his seat and pointed at Roger accusingly.

"You bastard!" His brother jumped up as well and also pointed.

"You lying bastard!"

"That's it!"

"We won't cover-"

"- for you anymore!" They yelled angrily, in a fabulously gay fashion that no one knew they had in them. "Listen up people!"

"We have a big announcement!" Sam said on his own. "**This boy is gay-"**

**"-AND European!"** They approached Roger and Eric patted his back condescendingly. **"You've got to stop your being a completely closet case!"**

**"It's us-"**

**"-not her-"** Eric pointed to The OWAN, who pouted.

**"-he's seeing."**

**"No matter what he says!**" They sang in unison.

**"I swear he never-"**

**"-ever-"**

**"-ever swung the other way!"** They then began to gang up on him.

**"You are so gay!"**

**"You big parfait!"**

**"You flaming boy band cabaret!"** They finished together, then looking at him expectantly.

"I-I'm straight!" he stammered hopelessly.

"You were not yesterday," Sam said, winking in a very highly suggestive manner at him. Jack gagged and Simon fainted. Ralph was still confused.

"**So if I may," **Commander Slap H. Appy began, triumphantly throwing his fist in the air. "**I'm proud to say  
>He's gay!"<strong>

**"And European!"**

**"He's gay!"**

**"And European!"**

**"He's gay!"**

**"And European and gay!" **Roger stood up and slammed his fists on the witness stand, looking flustered.

"Fine, okay? I'M BI!" he announced. The CT/A facepalmed.

"_There goes the credibility of half of my stories," _she muttered.

"Hooray!" The court room erupted into deafening applause, and The Judge, seeing the look of crushing defeat on her friend's face, slammed her gavel against the wall (because the actual stand is for nerds).

"Order! I demand order all you creepy ass fiction nerds!" The audience members, jurors, and boys returned to their seats, mumbling about how she be disrespectin' dem. "You may step down Mr. McAllister," she said to Roger pityingly. He nodded and returned to his seat, where he was overtaken by a sudden fascination with the floor. Maurice elbowed him, grinning from ear to ear.

"Twinsies, huh?" Roger's face turned bright red.

"Sh-shut up!"

**I don't own Legally Blonde, Lord of the Flies, or a show that was referenced at the beginning of the chapter. Anyone who guesses correctly what the reference was and what it was to gets to pick the topic of my next one shot. So get looking people, and please review!**


End file.
